I'm still working on drinking enough water during the day. Some days I do better than others. On the days I do well, I feel pretty good. I don't know if that's because I'm hydrated or if it's because I feel a sense of accomplishment because I've actually done something I said I was going to do. (For everyone else I follow through and do what I say I will do. For myself, not so much.)
Now that Christmas is over and New Year's is approaching we will see all kinds of advertisements for weight loss products; gym memberships, at home exercise equipment, DVD's, Jenny Craig/Nutrisystem; all hawking their wares with cute, skinny spokespeople. I don't need these reminders that I've gained weight, though. I swear to you, I think about my weight nearly every single minute of the day.
I'm disgusted with myself. Last year I wore a size 12; this year, size 20! I don't know if I'm depressed because I've gained so much weight or I gained the weight because I'm depressed. I wish I was one of those people who dealt with stress by pacing or cleaning the house, but no. I eat.
You might be thinking that this week's challenge for myself will involve exercising or counting calories, but I'll be honest with you and myself. I'm not ready to wage a full out war against the fat. I don't have the energy. I know I will start and then stop and feel like a failure. I know because I've done it over and over, and each time I rebound and gain even more weight.
Whether it's because I'm punishing myself for gaining weight or simply because I'm depressed, I do not know, but for some reason I have stopped caring much about my appearance. Another depression catch 22. I don't take care of my appearance because I don't like the way I look. Huh?
So, every day this week I am going to do something, even if it's a very small something, to enhance my appearance.
Some will say that the way we look on the outside shouldn't affect the way we feel about ourselves on the inside, but come on. We all know it matters. I'm not saying a person has to look like a Hollywood starlet to feel good about herself. God, no. If that were so Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears wouldn't be in and out of rehab. I am saying that it's time for me to respect myself enough to give myself a new paint job and reshingle the roof once in a while.
i am very pleased to meet you! First, thank you for your sweet comment on my blog and second..I am going to be a follower of yours and hopefully an encouragement to you..because I too deal with depression..I was in it for a solid ten years and have only been release of its grip for about a year...I dont talk about it on my blog maybe someday...but for now I am doing what I can to be positive and healthy...I really hope we can be friends and look forward to your journey as well..good for you..take each day and forget about the rest! it will get easier...I promise! Hugs Stephanie
ReplyDeleteDear Beth,
ReplyDeleteWhoever says that what we look like on the outside doesn't matter is talking absolute rubbish.
It matters to us. of course it matters.
It's not the MOST important thing, but it matters a lot.
Depression robs us of the ability to make an effort with anything. From doing the laundry to putting on make up, it renders everything pointless, meaningless, too much effort.
I find that when depression really kicks in, I care so little about anything that I lose all sense of the routines that keep my life ticking over and make me feel 'safe'.
I think it's a great idea that you want to work on doing small things to enhance your appearance.
If you are unhappy with it, of course it will bring you down.
You write about this spiral so well.
i guess many would recognise it.
Good luck with it Beth and let usknow how it's going.
I think I will go out and buy a new lipstick or eyeliner having read your words.
x
You are so right about routines falling away during depression. It's part of what makes it so hard to get well again, even if one does opt for medication. Those routines need to be established again, and that can be a lot of work.
ReplyDeleteGlad to have found your blog. I am just undergoing a 3 months intense trauma therapy and finally get the grisp on what has to happent o feel better and beuatify is certainly part of it. I will stop by very often and hope to get to know oyu better. Best wishes for a less rocky week from this side of the pond. Paula
ReplyDelete