Clipped

I got my hair cut yesterday. It's been a long time! Today I'm dyeing my gray roots. I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to ignore my hair today. The only reason I did it is because I promised myself, in writing, right here on this blog, that I'd do something every day this week for my appearance.

Tomorrow I'm going to go get my eyebrows waxed. Now that I've written it there's no turning back. I'll have to actually get out of my pajamas to get that accomplished!

Smooth

This week I'm working on my appearance, and today I shaved my legs and exfoliated and moisturized myself from head to toe. Hurray for smooth skin!

Operation Beautify!

I'm still working on drinking enough water during the day. Some days I do better than others. On the days I do well, I feel pretty good. I don't know if that's because I'm hydrated or if it's because I feel a sense of accomplishment because I've actually done something I said I was going to do. (For everyone else I follow through and do what I say I will do. For myself, not so much.)

Now that Christmas is over and New Year's is approaching we will see all kinds of advertisements for weight loss products; gym memberships, at home exercise equipment, DVD's, Jenny Craig/Nutrisystem; all hawking their wares with cute, skinny spokespeople. I don't need these reminders that I've gained weight, though. I swear to you, I think about my weight nearly every single minute of the day.

I'm disgusted with myself. Last year I wore a size 12; this year, size 20! I don't know if I'm depressed because I've gained so much weight or I gained the weight because I'm depressed. I wish I was one of those people who dealt with stress by pacing or cleaning the house, but no. I eat.

You might be thinking that this week's challenge for myself will involve exercising or counting calories, but I'll be honest with you and myself. I'm not ready to wage a full out war against the fat. I don't have the energy. I know I will start and then stop and feel like a failure. I know because I've done it over and over, and each time I rebound and gain even more weight.

Whether it's because I'm punishing myself for gaining weight or simply because I'm depressed, I do not know, but for some reason I have stopped caring much about my appearance. Another depression catch 22. I don't take care of my appearance because I don't like the way I look. Huh?

So, every day this week I am going to do something, even if it's a very small something, to enhance my appearance.

Some will say that the way we look on the outside shouldn't affect the way we feel about ourselves on the inside, but come on. We all know it matters. I'm not saying a person has to look like a Hollywood starlet to feel good about herself. God, no. If that were so Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears wouldn't be in and out of rehab. I am saying that it's time for me to respect myself enough to give myself a new paint job and reshingle the roof once in a while.

Christmas Unwrapped

Well, I survived another Christmas. I am always stressed out in the days leading up to it because I want to make it special for my family. No matter what I do, it seems like it's not good enough, but then the day comes, and everyone is happy, and I can see that it's not about putting together a Martha Stewart-style grand event. It's about giving a little of yourself to people.

The get together with friends on Wednesday night was fun. I wore myself out cleaning and cooking, something I didn't have to do, but I couldn't help myself. Again, it's hard for me to achieve good enough in my mind. It was really nice to have the house all clean for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, though. Of course, it is completely trashed now, and I don't have the energy to deal with it. I stayed in bed till past noon today because I just couldn't bring myself to face the day.

Ups and downs. Life is full of them even when one is not depressed. I successfully did some Christmasing, as I had challenged myself to do, though, so that is good.

My next challenge will probably have something to do with my weight. Sigh.

Christmas? Not Feelin' It

I'm still working on the water drinking, although I didn't drink as much as I want to drink in a day today. I didn't spend any time on the computer, though, so my plan to piggyback the hydration habit onto another activity broke down. That's okay. I'll be back on the computer tomorrow, and I'll just make a bigger effort to grab some water on my days off.

My challenge for myself this week will be to do some "Christmasing." I've had a difficult time, as many people do this time of year, feeling merry and joyful. I don't feel sad. Just flat. This week I'm making a promise to myself to spend time with loved ones doing the Christmas thing.

In anticipation of the challenge, I invited a couple of close friends over this week to play games and have Christmas cookies and appetizers. I love entertaining, but it's something I haven't done in a long time because the effort involved seems like more than I can handle right now.

I'm feeling happy planning which cookies I'll bake and which snacks I'll serve. My friends are bringing things over too, and these are the kinds of friends that I can invite over without worrying too much about how clean the house is, so it will take an effort to get the house in shape, but I won't have to stress out over trying to make everything perfect.

The Water Habit

This week's challenge: Rehydrate!



I'm drinking my water, but it takes a lot of intention and thought. I just don't naturally reach for a glass of water throughout the day. My thirst signals are probably confused, and when I'm thirsty I think I'm hungry or tired.

I'd like to attach the act of drinking water to something in my life that I already do naturally. It's the easiest way I know to incorporate a new habit into my day. As a writer, I'm on the computer constantly, so that seems like a perfect activity to which I can attach water drinking. I'll have to think about it at first, but if I stick to it, soon it will not feel right to sit at the computer unless I have a glass of water sitting on my desk in front of me as well.

I think I'll buy a new water bottle for that very purpose. It will be my new writing companion.

More information on the link between depression and dehydration: Dehydration Also Causes Neurological and Autoimmune Disorders

Dehydration

This week's Challenge: Rehydrate!

And for encouragement, an article at Radiant Health: Depression and Dehydration.

My First Challenge

When depression hits me almost everything in my life spirals out of control until I wake up and decide something needs to be done. At that point, clawing my way out of the pit I've dug for myself seems an insurmountable task. Even if I did get meds to improve my mood, I'd still have to deal with the overwhelming mess still left.

There is the messy house, the relationships I've neglected, the weight I've gained along with a general frumpy appearance because I haven't bought new clothes or had a hair appointment in, God knows how long. The disarray occurred because I was depressed, or am I depressed because of the disarray? I suppose it doesn't really matter. What matters is I begin to rebuild piece by piece whether I feel like it or not.

I'm going to start with my body because without the energy to tackle life I'm sunk. So, my first challenge for myself is to hydrate my body. Currently I drink coffee in the morning, and not much else for the rest of the day. This week I'm going to work on getting enough water each day.

So, Why Don't You Just Take a Pill?

I'm not opposed, in any way, to the use of antidepressants. I've taken them before, and the medication was effective for lifting my mood and helping me out of depression. What it was not effective at doing was helping me develop healthy habits that would keep me from sliding easily back into a depressive state.

Depression is full of catch 22's that create that downward spiral. Exercise is wonderful for rebuilding a healthy brain chemistry that can lift one out of the pit, besides the physical benefits, but the last thing a depressed person feels like doing is exercising. It's not at all easy, when you're depressed, to force yourself to do something, even when you know that something could save you, a BIG catch 22.

Getting out and being with people you care about is another thing that can help lift you up, but again, not easy to do when you need lifting.

For me, prayer is extremely helpful in every situation, but when I'm depressed praying is hard to do. I can't concentrate long enough to pray, and the connection I usually feel to God seems nonexistent when I am depressed. It takes extreme faith, in those situations, to believe that even though I can't feel the connection it's there, but when I can't feel the connection and I can't concentrate, I tend to just not pray, even though I know it will help me. Another catch 22.

There is no end to these speed bumps on the road out of depression, so at times, medication can be not only helpful, but, for me, a necessary tool to getting my life back. I have some red flags that tell me it's time to stop trying to muscle my way out of depression and get some help, but this time around, I've decided to try and coach myself first.

The promise I am making to myself is that I will actually DO what I instruct myself to do via this blog. In order to keep that promise, I know that I cannot instruct myself to do things that I know I'm not ready to do, and I can't ask myself to do too much at a time, but that doesn't mean I will not challenge myself. I will make myself stretch and grow by taking small steps.

The Beginning

My name is Beth Novak. I'm a writer, working from home. I'm a mother with two teenagers, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I'm also depressed.

This blog is a long letter written to me. I've spent years in and out of depression. I've developed lots of ways to cope, and I have a lifetime of inner wisdom when it comes to escaping depression's clutches. I struggle with paying attention to that wisdom, so this blog is my way of taking what I already know, putting it in front of my face, and re-internalizing it.

I'm not a doctor or a counselor, but I believe I can be my own best life coach. I plan to give myself weekly challenges, small concrete steps to climb out of this slump and live gloriously. I pray that if there is someone out there who can benefit from my own struggle they will join me on this journey.