Encouraged

I think it is time to do something about my weight. Being overweight is probably the single most depressing thing in my life, or is it just a symptom of being depressed? I think, like so many other things, it is a symptom that becomes one of the causes. In any case, for my health, for my peace of mind, for my self esteem I need to get serious about losing some weight.

I've been dabbling in weight loss for a while now, being careful with what I eat for a day or two and then running right back into the arms of potato chips - my lover or some cheesy gourmet dish and a couple glasses of wine - my other lover. Each indulgence leads to a string of them, and then I feel hopeless again.

I've been feeling differently lately. More ready, I guess, to stick with it, do what has to be done. A few weeks ago I checked out several books on CD, thinking I would listen to them while I walk on the treadmill, but a couple of days ago I took them back to the library. Last night I was wishing I had hung onto them because I really wanted to start walking today.

I figured I'd tackle the drudgery of walking with nothing to occupy my mind except my own self defeating thoughts. Then this morning I was driving my kids to school, and one of the books on CD slid out from under the passenger seat of my car. It must have fallen out of my library bag and never got returned. It's a small thing, but it was like a gift, an encouragement. So, I guess I'll go fire up the ol' treadmill and take a walk.

How to Get a Grip

I've had a rocky week. I only managed to get up at 7:00 am, like I had planned to do, twice this week, and both of those days I ended up taking long naps. I did get some important things accomplished, Christmas decorations put away, menu planned, and groceries bought, but I'm extremely tired and more slothful than normal. I'll keep trying, though, because it is important to me to start my day earlier. Morning is when I do my best writing!

Meanwhile, I had a dream. I dreamed I was wearing the new warm fluffy socks I got for Christmas, but on our hardwood floors, I just slipped and slid and couldn't gain any traction. I was stuck, unable to move forward.

When I woke up I thought about how much I feel like that in my life. I started wondering what I could have done in my dream to get a grip (literally!) and get moving.

I could have taken my socks off my feet, but then they would have quickly gotten cold, and I would have just put them back on again. My only other options would be to either change socks, choose a pair that is adequately warm but not so soft, or I could add something to the socks, like maybe some duct tape to the bottom so that I could walk without sliding.

I think that is the best way to change. Instead of taking something away, leaving yourself deprived, wanting, or needing, it's best to either replace an undesirable habit with a better one or to add something to your life that might be missing. So, I'll be thinking in the next few days about what I can reasonably change without feeling deprived and what I can add to my life to make my life better.

New Year - New Challenge

Happy New Year!

I'm suffering from post-holiday burnout, I think. I don't want to do anything. It's like I used up everything I had doing the Christmas thing, and now I'm just spent.

I finished up my week of beauty by getting my eyebrows waxed and dyeing my hair. Then on Friday I did my hair and makeup and went out with some friends to a club. I even did a little dancing! All I want to do is sleep now, though.

I'm needing to get back to the water drinking. I did well with that for a few days, but went back to not drinking water again. Hold on, I'll go get a glass now!

Let's see, what is the best way to challenge myself this week? I think since I've fallen into a sluggish, can't get out of bed, can't sleep at night routine, I will get out of bed at 7:00 every morning, even if all I can do is go sit on the couch when I get up. I will resist the lure of sleeping in, which, to me, is like a lover calling my name every morning. "Beth, come back to me, I will make you feel soooo good." I love sleep. Too much of it, too late in the morning makes me feel bad, though, so it's time to change that habit.

Operation Beautify!

I'm still working on drinking enough water during the day. Some days I do better than others. On the days I do well, I feel pretty good. I don't know if that's because I'm hydrated or if it's because I feel a sense of accomplishment because I've actually done something I said I was going to do. (For everyone else I follow through and do what I say I will do. For myself, not so much.)

Now that Christmas is over and New Year's is approaching we will see all kinds of advertisements for weight loss products; gym memberships, at home exercise equipment, DVD's, Jenny Craig/Nutrisystem; all hawking their wares with cute, skinny spokespeople. I don't need these reminders that I've gained weight, though. I swear to you, I think about my weight nearly every single minute of the day.

I'm disgusted with myself. Last year I wore a size 12; this year, size 20! I don't know if I'm depressed because I've gained so much weight or I gained the weight because I'm depressed. I wish I was one of those people who dealt with stress by pacing or cleaning the house, but no. I eat.

You might be thinking that this week's challenge for myself will involve exercising or counting calories, but I'll be honest with you and myself. I'm not ready to wage a full out war against the fat. I don't have the energy. I know I will start and then stop and feel like a failure. I know because I've done it over and over, and each time I rebound and gain even more weight.

Whether it's because I'm punishing myself for gaining weight or simply because I'm depressed, I do not know, but for some reason I have stopped caring much about my appearance. Another depression catch 22. I don't take care of my appearance because I don't like the way I look. Huh?

So, every day this week I am going to do something, even if it's a very small something, to enhance my appearance.

Some will say that the way we look on the outside shouldn't affect the way we feel about ourselves on the inside, but come on. We all know it matters. I'm not saying a person has to look like a Hollywood starlet to feel good about herself. God, no. If that were so Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears wouldn't be in and out of rehab. I am saying that it's time for me to respect myself enough to give myself a new paint job and reshingle the roof once in a while.

The Water Habit

This week's challenge: Rehydrate!



I'm drinking my water, but it takes a lot of intention and thought. I just don't naturally reach for a glass of water throughout the day. My thirst signals are probably confused, and when I'm thirsty I think I'm hungry or tired.

I'd like to attach the act of drinking water to something in my life that I already do naturally. It's the easiest way I know to incorporate a new habit into my day. As a writer, I'm on the computer constantly, so that seems like a perfect activity to which I can attach water drinking. I'll have to think about it at first, but if I stick to it, soon it will not feel right to sit at the computer unless I have a glass of water sitting on my desk in front of me as well.

I think I'll buy a new water bottle for that very purpose. It will be my new writing companion.

More information on the link between depression and dehydration: Dehydration Also Causes Neurological and Autoimmune Disorders

Dehydration

This week's Challenge: Rehydrate!

And for encouragement, an article at Radiant Health: Depression and Dehydration.

My First Challenge

When depression hits me almost everything in my life spirals out of control until I wake up and decide something needs to be done. At that point, clawing my way out of the pit I've dug for myself seems an insurmountable task. Even if I did get meds to improve my mood, I'd still have to deal with the overwhelming mess still left.

There is the messy house, the relationships I've neglected, the weight I've gained along with a general frumpy appearance because I haven't bought new clothes or had a hair appointment in, God knows how long. The disarray occurred because I was depressed, or am I depressed because of the disarray? I suppose it doesn't really matter. What matters is I begin to rebuild piece by piece whether I feel like it or not.

I'm going to start with my body because without the energy to tackle life I'm sunk. So, my first challenge for myself is to hydrate my body. Currently I drink coffee in the morning, and not much else for the rest of the day. This week I'm going to work on getting enough water each day.