Encouraged

I think it is time to do something about my weight. Being overweight is probably the single most depressing thing in my life, or is it just a symptom of being depressed? I think, like so many other things, it is a symptom that becomes one of the causes. In any case, for my health, for my peace of mind, for my self esteem I need to get serious about losing some weight.

I've been dabbling in weight loss for a while now, being careful with what I eat for a day or two and then running right back into the arms of potato chips - my lover or some cheesy gourmet dish and a couple glasses of wine - my other lover. Each indulgence leads to a string of them, and then I feel hopeless again.

I've been feeling differently lately. More ready, I guess, to stick with it, do what has to be done. A few weeks ago I checked out several books on CD, thinking I would listen to them while I walk on the treadmill, but a couple of days ago I took them back to the library. Last night I was wishing I had hung onto them because I really wanted to start walking today.

I figured I'd tackle the drudgery of walking with nothing to occupy my mind except my own self defeating thoughts. Then this morning I was driving my kids to school, and one of the books on CD slid out from under the passenger seat of my car. It must have fallen out of my library bag and never got returned. It's a small thing, but it was like a gift, an encouragement. So, I guess I'll go fire up the ol' treadmill and take a walk.

Wake UP!

I've been really stuck this week. I think my pajamas have bonded to my skin, and last week's challenge? FAIL!

But, I'm ready to try again. My friend had a couple of bad days and gave up too, so we're both going to start over. This time, we're going to keep better track of our days on paper, and if we don't meet our meager goals for the day we're just going to add another day to the end of our two weeks.

I tend to give up completely if I don't succeed perfectly. Perfection isn't the goal here, though, and I need to keep working on this because better self-care is an important and worthy objective.

I feel like I'm walking around in a bad dream. One of those dreams where you try to run but find your feet won't move, like you're stuck in quicksand.

Breaking Free

I've been thinking more about what I could add to my life and what needs replacing It could be a long list, but this is what immediately comes to mind:

• Replace some of the mindless time spent on the computer with painting - something I'm not great at, but love to do. For some reason I don't do it anymore.
• Add more water. I'm still struggling to make that a habit, but I'm working on that in a new way. (More on that later.)
• Add more fruits and vegetables.
• Add more sleep.
• Add vitamins.
• Replace negative self-talk with self respect and the truth.
• Add more Jesus. I don't know why I'm running from him right now when he's been so good for me in the past. I know I need him, but I ignore him.
• Add some exercise.
  
• Replace a few take out and fast food meals with meals cooked at home.
• Add a little routine, some structure to my day, or I should say, replace my current routine with one that works better for me.
• More sex. (Sorry, if that offends, but I love my husband, and this area of our marriage suffers because of my depression.)
  

These are some of the areas that I think need the most immediate attention.

I wonder if I'm even capable of breaking out of this cycle of chronic depression. I've had people, one a counselor I was seeing, tell me that maybe I'm one of those people who needs to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I can't or won't accept that as truth. I believe if I could just change some of my thought and behavior patterns that the brain chemistry would follow, and I could break out of this rut. It's my hope anyway.

So, how am I challenging myself this week? Well, a friend of mine, who faces similar challenges, and I are participating together in a two week challenge. Every day for the next two weeks we are going to, 1) eat breakfast, 2) drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, and 3) exercise in some way for 5 consecutive minutes.

These are very small requirements, I realize, but still very challenging for me, especially the "every day" part. Consistency is not something I've ever had a handle on.

At the end of two weeks, if we are both successful, we're going to reward ourselves somehow; a movie, a road trip, a visit to a museum, or something along those lines. It's day two of our challenge. I've had my breakfast, and I'm sitting here with a big glass of ice water. Now maybe I'll go slide up and down the hallway in my fluffy socks for 5 minutes!

Balance

There are five areas of my life that I believe need regular attention, feeding and nurturing, in order for me to feel, happy, well, and energetic. They are:

1. Spirit
2. Mind
3. Physical Health
4. Physical Appearance
5. Physical Environment

They overlap and mesh together. If one area is neglected the others suffer too.

Nurturing my spirit means nurturing my faith, but it also means building and maintaining close friendships and family relationships. It means, regularly taking in beauty and regularly creating something beautiful whether with words, paint, or in decorating my house, which is one of the ways Spirit overlaps with Physical Environment. Maybe it means sometimes going someplace else for a fresh view, getting out in nature.

Feeding my mind means learning new things, participating in interesting conversation, reading, researching, exploring, and discovering. It also means answering the negative thoughts that plague me. To do that, I have to engage my spirit, and know who I am. Another overlap.

If my health is bad, of course the other areas suffer too. To keep myself healthy I need to eat well (and less!), move more, sleep, stretch, hydrate, and feed my mind and spirit.

When my appearance is in bad shape, my confidence decreases. I spend less time doing the things out in the world that keep me healthy in mind, body, and spirit. The negative thoughts that make my mind less healthy increase.

I experience a similar decline when my physical environment is out of order. When my house is messy or I am embarrassed by its condition I don't invite people over. I feel less like creating beautiful things, and forget decorating it! I tell myself I can't make time for me while I have so much housework to get done, so no exercise, no lounging around reading a good book, no going out, but I rebel and ignore the housework anyway.

Because of this overlap between all the areas of my life, I am jumping around with my challenges, taking little steps in each area instead of concentrating on only one. I used to think, "If I could just get physically healthy, everything else would fall into place," or "If I could just get my house perfectly organized I'd finally feel completely peaceful." I've gotten nowhere with that thinking, though, so instead I am aiming for balance, knowing that balance can be achieved even when, at times, one area needs all of my attention, so long as I remember to come back to the other areas when the crisis passes.

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
Doug Firebaugh