Waking Up!

I've had a very good week! All week I:

• got out of bed in the morning.
• ate breakfast each day.
• drank at least 8 8 ounce glasses of water.
• walked at least 20 minutes, some days up to 50 minutes.
• was conscious about what I was eating, and ate only when hungry, not out of boredom.

The biggest benefit I have noticed from doing those five things consistently has been that I feel in control of my life again. I know a week isn't a long time, but I haven't been able to accomplish those five things for two days in a row let alone seven. I feel like I'm waking up from a weird coma in which I was conscious but unable to do anything to help myself. I'm waking up!

My challenge to myself for the coming week is to KEEP IT UP!

Progress!

I feel good. Hmm, nice change of pace. For the last 3 or 4 days I've been careful about what I eat. I haven't been feeling deprived because I've been choosing good food, but not junk food. I think maybe I can gain some control over the way I've been living. I know I won't be in control everyday, but if I keep going I'll get there, right?

I've been successful at two challenges too! I've been drinking at least 8 glasses of water a day and getting up by 7:00 everyday, except weekends. I do reserve the right to sleep in occasionally! Oh! And I guess I've been doing a pretty good job of getting a high quality breakfast in my belly most mornings.

Hope. I think that's what I'm feeling.

I know that I'll have setbacks. This post is my reminder to myself to not give up. I don't have to do everything perfectly or fail utterly. I can stumble and get back up and start over and just keep going.

Encouraged

I think it is time to do something about my weight. Being overweight is probably the single most depressing thing in my life, or is it just a symptom of being depressed? I think, like so many other things, it is a symptom that becomes one of the causes. In any case, for my health, for my peace of mind, for my self esteem I need to get serious about losing some weight.

I've been dabbling in weight loss for a while now, being careful with what I eat for a day or two and then running right back into the arms of potato chips - my lover or some cheesy gourmet dish and a couple glasses of wine - my other lover. Each indulgence leads to a string of them, and then I feel hopeless again.

I've been feeling differently lately. More ready, I guess, to stick with it, do what has to be done. A few weeks ago I checked out several books on CD, thinking I would listen to them while I walk on the treadmill, but a couple of days ago I took them back to the library. Last night I was wishing I had hung onto them because I really wanted to start walking today.

I figured I'd tackle the drudgery of walking with nothing to occupy my mind except my own self defeating thoughts. Then this morning I was driving my kids to school, and one of the books on CD slid out from under the passenger seat of my car. It must have fallen out of my library bag and never got returned. It's a small thing, but it was like a gift, an encouragement. So, I guess I'll go fire up the ol' treadmill and take a walk.

Goals

The water drinking, breakfast eating, exercising, challenge is still underway, going okay but not great. I'm doing better, drinking more water and eating breakfast about half of the time. The exercise isn't happening.

The get up at 7:00 am challenge is going well. I've been forcing myself to get out of bed, and I'm sleeping better, but my days are aimless, lacking direction. I don't even have a reason to get dressed most days, so I don't. I'm going to try something new to fix that.

I have a notebook, and every night before bed I'm going to write down one goal for the day in four different areas of my life: personal, house, health, and work. I will have to keep the goals small for now. Really small. For example, tomorrow's goal for my house will be something like "do a load of laundry," and a personal goal might be something like, "call a friend."

I need to start building some sort of structure into the rubble my days have become.

One Step at a Time

I'm not doing so great with this challenge, even though I made a pretty little chart on paper and everything. I'm a little baffled as to why I seem determined to rebel and ignore the simplest things that would make such a difference in how I feel. I'm going to continue to work on it. The fact that I have promised a friend that I would do this with her helps because I'm not very good at keeping the commitments I make to myself, but I do what I say I'll do for anyone else.

There is good news, though. I have revisited this challenge, and am happy to report that I've gotten up at 7:00 am four days in a row now. That's probably a record for the year. I can't say I've gotten dressed everyday, but getting dressed two out of four days is not bad, right?

This has me wondering, why did I move onto another challenge without first accomplishing the first? I do it all the time. I make a goal, I fail to follow through, then I shrug my shoulders and move onto the next goal. I don't think there is anything wrong with reevaluating a goal and moving on if one's needs and desires have changed, but I have a pattern of not following through and failing to complete projects. Not always, but enough of the time that it's worth pondering.

I'll ponder it later.

Right now, I'll just say that I'm feeling good about getting out of bed everyday, so far, this week, but because I can't help myself, I'm thinking, that's a little pathetic. Oh well, not all of us can build Rome.

Wake UP!

I've been really stuck this week. I think my pajamas have bonded to my skin, and last week's challenge? FAIL!

But, I'm ready to try again. My friend had a couple of bad days and gave up too, so we're both going to start over. This time, we're going to keep better track of our days on paper, and if we don't meet our meager goals for the day we're just going to add another day to the end of our two weeks.

I tend to give up completely if I don't succeed perfectly. Perfection isn't the goal here, though, and I need to keep working on this because better self-care is an important and worthy objective.

I feel like I'm walking around in a bad dream. One of those dreams where you try to run but find your feet won't move, like you're stuck in quicksand.

Breaking Free

I've been thinking more about what I could add to my life and what needs replacing It could be a long list, but this is what immediately comes to mind:

• Replace some of the mindless time spent on the computer with painting - something I'm not great at, but love to do. For some reason I don't do it anymore.
• Add more water. I'm still struggling to make that a habit, but I'm working on that in a new way. (More on that later.)
• Add more fruits and vegetables.
• Add more sleep.
• Add vitamins.
• Replace negative self-talk with self respect and the truth.
• Add more Jesus. I don't know why I'm running from him right now when he's been so good for me in the past. I know I need him, but I ignore him.
• Add some exercise.
  
• Replace a few take out and fast food meals with meals cooked at home.
• Add a little routine, some structure to my day, or I should say, replace my current routine with one that works better for me.
• More sex. (Sorry, if that offends, but I love my husband, and this area of our marriage suffers because of my depression.)
  

These are some of the areas that I think need the most immediate attention.

I wonder if I'm even capable of breaking out of this cycle of chronic depression. I've had people, one a counselor I was seeing, tell me that maybe I'm one of those people who needs to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I can't or won't accept that as truth. I believe if I could just change some of my thought and behavior patterns that the brain chemistry would follow, and I could break out of this rut. It's my hope anyway.

So, how am I challenging myself this week? Well, a friend of mine, who faces similar challenges, and I are participating together in a two week challenge. Every day for the next two weeks we are going to, 1) eat breakfast, 2) drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, and 3) exercise in some way for 5 consecutive minutes.

These are very small requirements, I realize, but still very challenging for me, especially the "every day" part. Consistency is not something I've ever had a handle on.

At the end of two weeks, if we are both successful, we're going to reward ourselves somehow; a movie, a road trip, a visit to a museum, or something along those lines. It's day two of our challenge. I've had my breakfast, and I'm sitting here with a big glass of ice water. Now maybe I'll go slide up and down the hallway in my fluffy socks for 5 minutes!