One Step at a Time

I'm not doing so great with this challenge, even though I made a pretty little chart on paper and everything. I'm a little baffled as to why I seem determined to rebel and ignore the simplest things that would make such a difference in how I feel. I'm going to continue to work on it. The fact that I have promised a friend that I would do this with her helps because I'm not very good at keeping the commitments I make to myself, but I do what I say I'll do for anyone else.

There is good news, though. I have revisited this challenge, and am happy to report that I've gotten up at 7:00 am four days in a row now. That's probably a record for the year. I can't say I've gotten dressed everyday, but getting dressed two out of four days is not bad, right?

This has me wondering, why did I move onto another challenge without first accomplishing the first? I do it all the time. I make a goal, I fail to follow through, then I shrug my shoulders and move onto the next goal. I don't think there is anything wrong with reevaluating a goal and moving on if one's needs and desires have changed, but I have a pattern of not following through and failing to complete projects. Not always, but enough of the time that it's worth pondering.

I'll ponder it later.

Right now, I'll just say that I'm feeling good about getting out of bed everyday, so far, this week, but because I can't help myself, I'm thinking, that's a little pathetic. Oh well, not all of us can build Rome.

Wake UP!

I've been really stuck this week. I think my pajamas have bonded to my skin, and last week's challenge? FAIL!

But, I'm ready to try again. My friend had a couple of bad days and gave up too, so we're both going to start over. This time, we're going to keep better track of our days on paper, and if we don't meet our meager goals for the day we're just going to add another day to the end of our two weeks.

I tend to give up completely if I don't succeed perfectly. Perfection isn't the goal here, though, and I need to keep working on this because better self-care is an important and worthy objective.

I feel like I'm walking around in a bad dream. One of those dreams where you try to run but find your feet won't move, like you're stuck in quicksand.

Breaking Free

I've been thinking more about what I could add to my life and what needs replacing It could be a long list, but this is what immediately comes to mind:

• Replace some of the mindless time spent on the computer with painting - something I'm not great at, but love to do. For some reason I don't do it anymore.
• Add more water. I'm still struggling to make that a habit, but I'm working on that in a new way. (More on that later.)
• Add more fruits and vegetables.
• Add more sleep.
• Add vitamins.
• Replace negative self-talk with self respect and the truth.
• Add more Jesus. I don't know why I'm running from him right now when he's been so good for me in the past. I know I need him, but I ignore him.
• Add some exercise.
  
• Replace a few take out and fast food meals with meals cooked at home.
• Add a little routine, some structure to my day, or I should say, replace my current routine with one that works better for me.
• More sex. (Sorry, if that offends, but I love my husband, and this area of our marriage suffers because of my depression.)
  

These are some of the areas that I think need the most immediate attention.

I wonder if I'm even capable of breaking out of this cycle of chronic depression. I've had people, one a counselor I was seeing, tell me that maybe I'm one of those people who needs to be on medication for the rest of my life, but I can't or won't accept that as truth. I believe if I could just change some of my thought and behavior patterns that the brain chemistry would follow, and I could break out of this rut. It's my hope anyway.

So, how am I challenging myself this week? Well, a friend of mine, who faces similar challenges, and I are participating together in a two week challenge. Every day for the next two weeks we are going to, 1) eat breakfast, 2) drink at least 8 glasses of water a day, and 3) exercise in some way for 5 consecutive minutes.

These are very small requirements, I realize, but still very challenging for me, especially the "every day" part. Consistency is not something I've ever had a handle on.

At the end of two weeks, if we are both successful, we're going to reward ourselves somehow; a movie, a road trip, a visit to a museum, or something along those lines. It's day two of our challenge. I've had my breakfast, and I'm sitting here with a big glass of ice water. Now maybe I'll go slide up and down the hallway in my fluffy socks for 5 minutes!

How to Get a Grip

I've had a rocky week. I only managed to get up at 7:00 am, like I had planned to do, twice this week, and both of those days I ended up taking long naps. I did get some important things accomplished, Christmas decorations put away, menu planned, and groceries bought, but I'm extremely tired and more slothful than normal. I'll keep trying, though, because it is important to me to start my day earlier. Morning is when I do my best writing!

Meanwhile, I had a dream. I dreamed I was wearing the new warm fluffy socks I got for Christmas, but on our hardwood floors, I just slipped and slid and couldn't gain any traction. I was stuck, unable to move forward.

When I woke up I thought about how much I feel like that in my life. I started wondering what I could have done in my dream to get a grip (literally!) and get moving.

I could have taken my socks off my feet, but then they would have quickly gotten cold, and I would have just put them back on again. My only other options would be to either change socks, choose a pair that is adequately warm but not so soft, or I could add something to the socks, like maybe some duct tape to the bottom so that I could walk without sliding.

I think that is the best way to change. Instead of taking something away, leaving yourself deprived, wanting, or needing, it's best to either replace an undesirable habit with a better one or to add something to your life that might be missing. So, I'll be thinking in the next few days about what I can reasonably change without feeling deprived and what I can add to my life to make my life better.

Balance

There are five areas of my life that I believe need regular attention, feeding and nurturing, in order for me to feel, happy, well, and energetic. They are:

1. Spirit
2. Mind
3. Physical Health
4. Physical Appearance
5. Physical Environment

They overlap and mesh together. If one area is neglected the others suffer too.

Nurturing my spirit means nurturing my faith, but it also means building and maintaining close friendships and family relationships. It means, regularly taking in beauty and regularly creating something beautiful whether with words, paint, or in decorating my house, which is one of the ways Spirit overlaps with Physical Environment. Maybe it means sometimes going someplace else for a fresh view, getting out in nature.

Feeding my mind means learning new things, participating in interesting conversation, reading, researching, exploring, and discovering. It also means answering the negative thoughts that plague me. To do that, I have to engage my spirit, and know who I am. Another overlap.

If my health is bad, of course the other areas suffer too. To keep myself healthy I need to eat well (and less!), move more, sleep, stretch, hydrate, and feed my mind and spirit.

When my appearance is in bad shape, my confidence decreases. I spend less time doing the things out in the world that keep me healthy in mind, body, and spirit. The negative thoughts that make my mind less healthy increase.

I experience a similar decline when my physical environment is out of order. When my house is messy or I am embarrassed by its condition I don't invite people over. I feel less like creating beautiful things, and forget decorating it! I tell myself I can't make time for me while I have so much housework to get done, so no exercise, no lounging around reading a good book, no going out, but I rebel and ignore the housework anyway.

Because of this overlap between all the areas of my life, I am jumping around with my challenges, taking little steps in each area instead of concentrating on only one. I used to think, "If I could just get physically healthy, everything else would fall into place," or "If I could just get my house perfectly organized I'd finally feel completely peaceful." I've gotten nowhere with that thinking, though, so instead I am aiming for balance, knowing that balance can be achieved even when, at times, one area needs all of my attention, so long as I remember to come back to the other areas when the crisis passes.

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
Doug Firebaugh

New Year - New Challenge

Happy New Year!

I'm suffering from post-holiday burnout, I think. I don't want to do anything. It's like I used up everything I had doing the Christmas thing, and now I'm just spent.

I finished up my week of beauty by getting my eyebrows waxed and dyeing my hair. Then on Friday I did my hair and makeup and went out with some friends to a club. I even did a little dancing! All I want to do is sleep now, though.

I'm needing to get back to the water drinking. I did well with that for a few days, but went back to not drinking water again. Hold on, I'll go get a glass now!

Let's see, what is the best way to challenge myself this week? I think since I've fallen into a sluggish, can't get out of bed, can't sleep at night routine, I will get out of bed at 7:00 every morning, even if all I can do is go sit on the couch when I get up. I will resist the lure of sleeping in, which, to me, is like a lover calling my name every morning. "Beth, come back to me, I will make you feel soooo good." I love sleep. Too much of it, too late in the morning makes me feel bad, though, so it's time to change that habit.